What Not To Write In A Sympathy Card (and What To Say Instead)

Knowing what to write in a sympathy card is one of the hardest things to write, because more than anything, we don't want our words to feel empty. Here are a few things to avoid, and what to write instead.

Avoid: "Let me know if you need anything"

This is always well-intended. But it puts the pressure back on the grieving person - they have to reach out, and quite often they don't know what they need. Even a small decision can feel overwhelming right now.

Try instead: "I'm going to drop round a chicken pie on Thursday evening, on my way to the gym. I'll leave it on the door around 6pm, so you don't have to worry about answering."

Going into specifics helps them know exactly what to expect. And framing it as part of your normal routine takes away any guilt they might feel about being "a bother."

Avoid: "I know exactly what you're going through"

The truth is, you don't. You might have lost a loved one yourself, and you know what grief looked like for you. But you don't know what it looks like for your friend, or what shape their loss takes.

Try instead: Tell them the truth - that you don't expect your card to fix the pain they're going through, but that you're thinking of them.

Avoid: "They're in a better place now"

This one carries a lot with it. It makes assumptions about faith or belief that they might not share. And even when they do share those beliefs, it can feel like you're reading from a script - words everyone reaches for, rather than words that are actually yours.

Try instead: "I'm thinking of you." Said plainly, it does more work than it looks like it should.

Avoid: "At least they're not suffering anymore"

Any sentence with "at least" in it tends to minimise, even when that's the last thing you mean. It can sound like you're telling them the size of the loss, instead of letting them feel it fully.

Try instead: Sometimes the better move is to not soften it at all. Say less. Silence on the page can speak louder than a sentence trying too hard.

Avoid: Not saying their name

Following a death, people often go quiet on the name of the person who's died - as if grief might break open every time it's spoken aloud. It's the opposite. Hearing the name is usually a comfort, a small reminder that they mattered and were known.

Try instead: Use it. "I keep thinking about your dad's laugh at your wedding" says more than any card ever could without a name in it. If you knew them yourself, a fond memory or a small story does the same work - it tells the person grieving that their loved one is still seen, not just mourned.

Remember that none of this needs to be eloquent. A card doesn't have to resolve anything, or find the perfect words - it just needs to say I see you, and I'm here. That's the whole idea behind slow, considered mail: taking the time to write something real, even when — especially when - it's hard to find the words.

If you're really struggling with what to say, why not send them a Letter for Grief.