At the beginning of June, my seven-year-old niece was presented with a kindness award by her teacher. The certificate she was presented with said that it was:
For showing outstanding love, kindness, and care towards others.
You have demonstrated:
- A caring heart
- Helping actions
- Thoughtful words.
Your kindness makes our school a happier and brighter place!
A few months before that, she had told her mother (my sister-in-law) that she didn't want to be kind anymore. She'd been having a hard time with some girls at school - the kind of social friction that so many adults wave off as simply "kids being kids", and in her mind - understandably - kindness had stopped paying off. She had been kind, and it hadn't protected her.
It kills me that she is already so aware of this type of feeling.
The Problem with Praising Kindness
I truly believe that the problem we have with praising kindness in such a public way, is that we also rarely teach kids what to do when kindness isn't returned. In those situations kindness becomes more like a transaction, than a foundation for friendship.
Growing up, I was a kind child myself, and I would give people I knew didn't like me the bag of sweets I was eating, because I thought it was the way to get them to like me, or I would do their homework for them. But that's not kind, it's people pleasing, constantly giving kindness to people who don't deserve it.
What should We Be Teaching about Kindness?
Kindness isn't a transaction, and it doesn't owe you anything back.
This is definitely the most important lesson that we should absolutely be teaching kids. They need to learn that they can be kind and still be strong enough to say no to someone who is stealing all of their energy, by treating them badly.
Right now, kindness is often taught as unconditional niceness, especially in girls who are taught to smile, share with others, and show forgiveness easily. However there is no accompanying lesson that it is also okay to protect your own self-worth.
Kindness without boundaries becomes self-erasure, and it's crucial that we remind children that kindness does not mean being nice.
The difference of who kindness is for
We need to teach kids that there is a very large difference between these two types of people:
- Someone who is having a hard day and needs a little grace
- Someone who is consistently unkind and taking advantage of your own good nature
This is a skill, not an instinct, and most kids (and adults) are never taught to recognise it.
What to do when kindness is not returned
I think that rather than reframing it as "always be kind", which - as we know - breeds people-pleasers, or the "stop being kind" conclusion that children come to when they feel unappreciated, we need to teach the middle ground. This continues to encourage children to be kind whilst choosing to stop investing their kindness in people who don't deserve it.
This could be other children who are constantly unkind, ungrateful or literally hurt you.
Instead, it should be redirected towards people and things that are mutually beneficial for everyone involved.
Awards are great, but...
The problem with awards is that they celebrate the appearance of kindness in a moment, which makes the child feel good. However, children need to see the real-world effects of kindness. For example, they are more likely to learn from watching adults navigate hard social situations - such as an adult saying "I was kind to that person, but I've also decided not to spend anymore time with them". This is a far more useful lesson than a piece of pretty paper, with their name on it.
I don't know if my niece has worked any of this out yet, because she's still only seven. All I know is that I never want my niece to stop being kind, because it is a large part of what makes her who she is. However, I want her to know that girls who are unkind to her don't get to keep her kindness just because she's good at giving it.
The certificate on her wall is lovely, and I am so proud of her for achieving it. However, the lesson I actually want her to learn will never be printed on it.